


if you want to go fast, go alone

by wang



Category: EXO (Band), Kpop - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Alternate Universe - Famous, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Pining, female!tao, i dont know which it would be considered??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-24 23:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9791801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wang/pseuds/wang
Summary: When did they stop talking? Why? What if they still talked? These are the thoughts on Jongdae's mind at 3 in the morning, in the middle of reading 2-star romance novelSeaside Treasure 2: Electric Love and Electric Eels. Originally posted for exolimelight!





	1. Chapter 1

It hits Jongdae one day that he is a very lonely person. 

He has friends, he has Jongin, but he lives alone. He doesn’t own any animals. Doesn’t have a boyfriend. Normally when he gets home, he’s too tired to even put on the TV, so his house is silent for the majority of the day. It’s a weird realization, one that takes him out of his day. Out of his week. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning when you don’t have much of a reason to. 

It’s a weird kind of numbness that settles around him, and he hates it. He hates laying in his bed, but he doesn’t have the energy to read or watch a movie. He can’t find it in himself to even put on any music, because he just gets tired of listening halfway through the song, so what’s the point? 

Jongdae does find it in himself to call Jongin, and searches amongst his pillows until he finds his phone- which is dead, of course, so he briefly considers giving up before he rolls over and finds his charging cord. He patiently waits until it turns back on, and he ignores all of the angry red pop-ups on every other app to dial his brother. 

Jongin picks up and before he can even say hello, Jongdae speaks. “Jongin,” he pauses, and Jongin waits, “I’m sad.” It’s the simplest explanation and Jongin will understand. 

“Why?” Jongdae can hear the clatter of the cafe behind him. 

“Oh, are you working? I can call you later, I didn’t mean to-” 

“No, I’m doing homework. What’s wrong?” 

Jongdae shifts uncomfortably in his bed and pulls the covers over his head. “Um, that’s part of the problem. I don’t know. I’m just… sad.” And lonely, and in need of two good meals and a shower. 

“Ahh.” Jongin says. He’s quiet for a moment before he continues. “When do you work next?” 

“Tomorrow, opening shift.” It’s 1 in the afternoon, the whole day’s already gone. Wasting his time seems to be a prevailing theme. 

“Mmm, okay, one sec.” Jongdae picks at his nails, the only thing he can hear is Jongin’s breath on the speaker.. “Okay, Luhan is letting me take off early today so I can take you to dinner.” They both know Jongdae will pay if they go out, but he can’t find it in him to resent Jongin for that. “And we can cry together or something, but you have to get out of your house and away from the store.” 

Jongdae whines. “Do we have to? We can just get take out and eat at mine… We can watch a movie, you can bring the dogs over.” 

“Shut up, we’re going out.” Jongin says. 

“Wait so Luhan’s letting you off early? Meaning you’re working right now and you lied to me?” 

“Yep.” 

“Hey, you-” Jongin hangs up on him before he can finish yelling. 

Well, Jongdae has no idea when Jongin will be picking him up or where he will be taking him. 

He pulls himself out of bed and heads to the bathroom to shower. 

☆

“Morning, Mrs. Jung. Looking for anything specific today?” He smiles at his favorite and longest customer, an old lady who’d been coming to the store since Jongdae’s dad had first opened it. She would stop in once or twice a week, although much less frequently as of recent, buying books for family or friends or anyone at all. She’s half Jongdae’s size, and swallowed by the sweater she’s wearing on a day that doesn’t seem cold enough to warrant it. 

“Actually, I was wondering about donating some books.” She says. 

“Really? Giving up some of your precious dragon’s hoard?” He teases. 

Mrs. Jung’s smile is small but nice. “I’m going to be moving in with my son in a few weeks and I’m afraid he just doesn’t have the room.” She sighs. “A shame, Lord knows he could stand to read a few more books.” 

“Well, I’m sure any and all books you’d want to give would be in great shape. I’ll even stop by to pick them up, if you would prefer it.” Jongdae goes back to working while they talk, pricing some moderately used paperback romance novels. 

“I would!” She grabs Jongdae’s upper arm. “I have to get some food in you, you’re getting too thin.” They both laugh. Mrs. Jung looks at Jongdae and he can see she’s having the same kind of day he is. “Well,” she continues, “have you thought about that date with my niece yet?” 

Ahhh, he’d forgotten. “Yes,” he lies. “I just don’t have the time.” 

She snorts, “don’t you humor me, I can see it in your eyes it hasn’t crossed your mind once.” 

“You caught me.” Jongdae presses a $1.99 sticker onto _Forgive My Fins_. 

“How are you supposed to give me godchildren at this rate, Jongdae?” Mrs. Jung shakes her head. “At your age, and you’ve never had a girlfriend.” She scolds him. 

So he hadn’t come out to her- fine, whatever. She’d probably be accepting but weird about it, and try to set Jongdae up with all of her nephews, gay or not. 

“You don’t want to end up like me, alone in your golden years.” She’s still just teasing, but Jongdae finds himself very close to replying _”I’ll just marry Baekhyun”_ before he catches himself. _Where are these thoughts coming from???_

“You’re right, there can’t be a much worse fate than spending every day, all day reading.” He laughs, nervously, because why the hell was he thinking about Baekhyun? 

Mrs. Jung waggles her hand at him. “Speaking of, I’m running low on reading material. I’ll let you go back to work, Jongdae. Think about saying yes, she’s pretty.” And Mrs. Jung disappears somewhere between mystery and drama. 

Jongdae spends the rest of the day trying to figure out why he would think about marrying Baekhyun as such a definite act. 

☆

_“You’ve recently made your debut as an actor in the web drama, Dream Girl. What was it like on set?”_

_“I’ll be honest, I was so nervous at first! Everyone, cast and crew, were super nice and helpful though.”_

_“I’m glad! How was working with Kim Taeyeon? We’ve heard you’re a fan~”_

_“I mean, my love interest was played by Kim Taeyeon. As a fan, that’s like… A dream come true, pun unintended. She was a total angel, and so patient with me when I messed up or forgot my lines.”_

_“I’ve heard excellent things about her.”_

_“It’s all true, probably. She’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.”_

_“Could you give us a summary of the drama?”_

_“Basically, my character, a student working his way through college at a convenience store, keeps having dreams about this beautiful girl, played by Taeyeon. In a different world, she is a wealthy pianist who is all alone, dreaming about him. Then, due to a freak thunderstorm, he’s transported into her universe- a universe where everything is gray until you find your soulmate. I won’t share anything else, in case anyone listening hasn’t yet seen it, but it was so much fun to film.”_

_“It was a fantastic show! You did well, Baekhyunnie~”_

_“Thank you~”_

_“We hear that it wasn’t too difficult for you to act as a retail employee due to prior work experience predebut.”_

_“Yes, I worked at a bookstore from 13 to 16, before moving to Seoul.”_

_“A bookstore? How ideal!”_

_“It was a family friend’s store, and I was mostly paid in free books and ice cream.”_

_“I wish that was how I was paid now!”_

☆

In all honesty, it’s closer to a week or so that he spends thinking about Baekhyun. In the most random places, something will spark a memory, and Jongdae’s day will disappear in thoughts of Baekhyun. He walks into the backroom at work and remembers being pressed against the shelves, Baekhyun’s hands on his hips and his tongue in his mouth. He passes the street Baekhyun lived on on his way home and remembers making stupid blanket forts that spanned Baekhyun’s entire living room, sleepovers in Chapter One where they’d try to find the scariest book they could and read it aloud. Swimming in Baekhyun’s pool. Sleeping in his bed together, exhausted after a day full of nothing but the two of them. Baekhyun had written him a song once, and promised he’d sing it to him once he was famous. Oh my God, he’s really about to cry because of this. _When I’m in your arms, heaven melts and comes inside_ , Baekhyun’s voice floats over the store, where the memories of him had been hitting him hardest lately. It’s been years, _years_ since he has spoken to Baekhyun and it hasn’t actually hit him until now. Why would Baekhyun come back for him? Why did he think he would? 

They don’t know each other anymore, they don’t talk, they don’t text. Baekhyun was in the news awhile back, having posted something directed at sasaeng fans, so the number Jongdae has in his phone probably doesn’t even lead to Baekhyun anymore- he’d gotten it right after he’d moved to Seoul and that was _seven years ago_. It was more likely than not that number hadn’t led to Baekhyun since debut. 

Jongdae’s breath comes shorter and faster, and he leans the broom on the counter before he lets himself slide to the floor, knees to his chest. He’s been living his life with the expectation that Baekhyun not only remembered him, but also looked forward to the day they would see each other again- he’s been living his life on the post-coitus promise a _teenager_ made to him right before he moved away and got famous. Who does that? Who, in their right mind, sits and believes that everything will undoubtedly work out in the end? Fairy tales aren’t real, a shitty beginning doesn’t guarantee a happy ending, and famous people don’t come back to date their high school sweethearts. He’s a fucking idiot, and now he’s a fucking idiot having an anxiety attack. 

He should’ve gone to college- he didn’t even want to, but he could’ve probably gotten in on some kind of scholarship, like Jongin, and he could’ve studied something important that would make money. He doesn’t have a backup plan if something were to happen to the store, he mostly just thought it would always be part of his life. Of course he’d been worried at points, and definitely thought about the store more than Baekhyun but- what if he was late on bills? What if people stopped coming in? What if he had to stop paying Chanyeol and Joonmyun? They wouldn’t stay out of the kindness of their hearts, they have bills, and you can’t pay rent with love- 

The bell above the door rings, and Jongdae can hear the customers’ feet shuffle across the floor. He wipes his face- he hadn’t even noticed he’d started crying- and takes a deep breath. “Welcome to Chapter One, can I help you guys find anything in particular?” He stands up and brushes off his clothing, smiling at the couple like he hadn’t been crying on the ground only a second ago. 

“Ah, no, we’re just gonna take a look around for now. Thanks.” One of the women says, both of them smiling back at him. They turn their attention to the shelves of books and Jongdae waits for them to disappear before he almost runs to the back room to change the radio station before it can cut back to Baekhyun’s interview. 

Jongdae manages to get in another short cry before the couple rings the bell at the counter, and he wipes his face on his sleeve before he rings them up. They’re kind enough to not mention his red eyes. 

☆

_“Hello, and welcome back to Afternoon Date. Today, listeners, I am very excited. We have a very, very special guest, I myself am a huge fan! Can you guess who it is? He has recently broken records for album sales, not only in the male soloist category but overall, with a strong album containing strong ballads, hypnotic and funky dance tracks, and a dramatic title track sure to excite you. Please welcome the prince of light with a heavenly voice, Byun Baekhyun!”_

_“Wow, what an intro.”_

Baekhyun and the host laugh. 

_“Please, introduce yourself.”_

_“Hello, Afternoon listeners! I’m Byun Baekhyun. Recently I have come back with a full studio album, Ex’act. Please listen and give it all your love~”_   They laugh again. 

_“Baekhyun, it has been ages since I’ve had the pleasure of having you in my studio.”_

_“Ahhh, I know. I missed you and all the listeners.”_ His voice is bright and sweet, perfect to hear in the morning over the radio. 

_“I know we missed you too!”_ The host shuffles her papers too close to the microphone, and the noise yanks Jongdae’s focus away from Baekhyun. _“You’ve come back after your first Japan tour, after a full 8 months after your last comeback, the mini album Sing For You. What’s it like to be promoting once again?”_

 _“Wow, well, it’s completely different from being on tour, let me tell you-”_

Jongdae slams his hand down on the radio, and Chanyeol and Joonmyun stare open mouthed at him. 

“His voice is irritating me.” He offers as explanation, but he gently pats the radio in apology. 

“Dude, his voice is made of honey.” Chanyeol reaches for the radio and Jongdae pins his hand to the table with a sharp look. “Okay, okay. I’ll watch it on youtube later.” He goes back to tearing apart a piece of paper advertising the Two Cup Chump, this time in silence. 

“What’s up with you, Jongdae?” Arms crossed, Joonmyun leans back in his swivel chair. “You’ve been really… Off. Recently.” Chanyeol nods silently beside him, still focused on bits of paper. 

“I’m fine.” Jongdae says quickly. Joonmyun’s eyebrows shoot up. “I am fine, Joonmyun. I’m just tired.” 

“You should take some time off.” Chanyeol offers. “I don’t mind coming in more if it means you get a break.” 

Jongdae sighs. “Can’t afford to pay you for that many more hours.” Joonmyun opens his arms to Jongdae down for a hug, but Jongdae waves him off. “I really am fine.” Joonmyun makes an unattractive face. 

“Could you call Jongin over to close more often? He gets off at 4, doesn’t he? Siblings are free labor.” Joonmyun tries. 

“He has class from 6 to 8. Guys, it’s fine. I’m good. This won’t be forever. It’ll be like another month or two, then Jongin will be out of school for the summer, and then he can come help me.” 

“Help you with what? I brought coffee and old muffins.” Arms full, Jongin enters through the back door and sets down the drink carrier and bag on the table before taking a seat next to Chanyeol. Jongdae must really be off, he hadn’t even heard the door open. 

“Speak of the devil.” Joonmyun smiles at Jongin. “Help your brother to not actually die.” 

“Ahhh. I’m out for summer in two weeks.” Time has flown by, it seems. “I’ll see if Luhan was planning on switching up my hours.” It’s telling that Jongin already knows Jongdae needs help in the store. 

“Thanks, Jongin.” All the muffins that Jongin’s brought are blueberry, so Jongdae takes a coffee instead. The back/break room is filled with boxes of recently donated books that Jongdae hasn’t been able to sort through yet. Maybe he can delegate it to Jongin? 

“Hey, I can close tonight.” Joonmyun says while locking his phone. Jongdae hadn’t even seen him take it out. “Taotao and the twins are at the studio so they won’t be home until late.” Jongdae starts to speak, but Joonmyun cuts him off. “You can pay me by sleeping for 6 to 8 hours, and then you can make me dinner once this week.” 

“Fine,” Joonmyun shoots him a toothy smile at his agreement. “But I’m making some kind of pasta and you have to let me use your kitchen.” 

“I am more than fine with anything that isn’t dinosaur shaped nuggets.” Joonmyun groans and rubs his stomach. “God, you would think they’d grow sick of it after a while. Children are insane.” 

“Blame me, that’s what I feed them when I babysit.” Chanyeol has moved from picking apart paper to picking apart a muffin, which is thankfully a less messy process because he’s actually eating the muffin. “All they ever want to eat is nuggets and grapes, so that’s what I give them.” 

Joonmyun punches Chanyeol in the shoulder, and Chanyeol does the same to him before it turns into an arm wrestling match, both of them evenly matched. Chanyeol had recently begun working out, a fact that he would bring up whenever there was a lull in the conversation. It cycled with his other normal topics: Tinder, macros, his music, or classic romance novels. 

Jongin turns to Jongdae quietly. “Hey, you should go home. Get some real rest.” He smiles up at Jongdae. “If you leave your keys, I’ll come in tomorrow. I don’t have classes or work.” 

“You’re really gonna give up a day off for this?” Jongdae says, but he’s already pulling his keys out of his pocket. 

Jongin shrugs. “Yeah. It’s whatever, and then I can run by Two Cups early enough to catch Minseok before he leaves.” Jongin sticks his tongue out suggestively at the last part, so Jongdae throws his keys at his face. It’s the little things that count. 

He can still hear them laughing when he leaves through the front door, headed home before the sun has set for the first time in months. 

☆

_“You’ve recently made your debut as an actor in the webdrama, Dream Girl. What was it like on set?”_

_“I’ll be honest, I was so nervous at first! Everyone, cast and crew, were super nice and helpful though.”_

_“I’m glad! How was working with Kim Taeyeon? We’ve heard you’re a fan~”_

_“I mean, my love interest was played by Kim Taeyeon. As a fan, that’s like… A dream come true, pun unintended. She was a total angel, and so patient with me when I messed up or forgot my lines.”_

_“I’ve heard excellent things about her.”_

_“It’s all true, probably. She’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.”_

_“Could you give us a summary of the drama?”_

_“Basically, my character, a student working his way through college at a convenience store, keeps having dreams about this beautiful girl, played by Taeyeon. In a different world, she is a wealthy pianist who is all alone, dreaming about him. Then, due to a freak thunderstorm, he’s transported into her universe- a universe where everything is gray until you find your soulmate. I won’t share anything else, in case anyone listening hasn’t yet seen it, but it was so much fun to film.”_

_“It was a fantastic show! You did well, Baekhyunnie~”_

_“Thank you~”_

_“We hear that it wasn’t too difficult for you to act as a retail employee due to prior work experience predebut.”_

_“Yes, I worked at a bookstore from 13 to 16, before moving to Seoul.”_

_“A bookstore? How ideal!”_

_“It was a family friend’s store, and I was mostly paid in free books and ice cream.”_

_“I wish that was how I was paid now! So, tell us what you were like in high school.”_

_“We, being my parents and I, actually moved to Seoul during my second year of high school. While I went to my first school, I was really quiet, mostly because I practiced every single night so I was tired all the time.” The host laughs. “Once I moved, I really opened up. Because I was a trainee, my schedule was regulated- mostly- and because I went to a school with other trainees, I had more in common with my peers. I’m naturally a very gregarious person, so it was a good place for me.”_

_“Good vocabulary word.”_

_“Aha, thank you. But really, I could talk about not getting a certain choreography and they would help me, or I could complain about how a song was difficult to sing and I was met with more than ‘how can it be hard to sing, don’t you just sing it.’ I got to talk to people understood me, my interests, and what I was going through daily. I found my niche.”_  
_“A much better environment, then.”_

_“I agree.”_

_“Do you think of anyone specific while writing songs?”_ Jongdae’s stomach turns as Sunny’s FM Date cuts back to the Baekhyun interview. 

_“Hmm, sometimes. It depends. I don’t have a lot of experience in love, and I’m far too busy now to date.”_ Love. Cool. That’s me, Jongdae thinks. 

_“So you have dated?”_ Jongdae wants to hear him say it, wants to hear Baekhyun mention him. Maybe he’ll say his name. Jongdae tingles with anxiety over the thought. 

_“Ahh, I gave that one away, didn’t I?”_ Say it, _“yes, I have.”_ Jongdae has to stop and focus on listening, he’s so close to screaming. This is the closest thing to closure he’s gotten. _“Predebut, I had a boyfriend.”_ Say Jongdae, Jongdae thinks. _“Other than that, nothing.”_ At least he wasn’t better off, unless he was lying on air about being single for the past seven or so years, which he probably was. Jongdae might be shaking in anger. Why is he angry? 

_“Nothing sweeter than young love. Speaking of love, what inspired the track Artificial Love? I would hope not your first boyfriend.”_ Try it, Baekhyun. Jongdae thinks. Artificial love my ass- 

_“To be honest, the drama Odd.”_ They laugh. 

_“Oh, I understand it completely then.”_ What? 

_“Exactly!”_ That’s it? 

_“We won’t spoil the show-”_

_“Of course not!_

_“-So without further ado, here is Artificial Love.”_

Jongdae turns the radio off. Three years of friendship to three years of being in _love_ and all he’s gotten is four sentences. Of course, Baekhyun has referenced him in conversation, on air, before, as a friend (Jongin is always sure to link him, either radio clips on youtube or gifsets of Baekhyun he finds on tumblr), but he’s never been brought up as his first love. This had to happen now, and he had to be around to hear it, because Jongdae had finally let everything come crashing down, and it was like the second something hit him, everything even distantly related that could possibly hurt his feelings would find its way to him. He wants to scream until his throat bleeds. The world is unfair. 

“Chanyeol, will you plug in your phone or something? No dubstep, we’re still open.” He says, voice tight, deciding to reorganize the small bookmarks and chocolates that sat in front of the register. They were messy, in a way that probably didn’t appeal to potential customers, and the mindless work might take his mind off B- _off things_. Might take his mind off of things. Stuff. He pulls a few pieces of chocolate out of the small barrel of hard candy. 

“I thought you liked Baekhyun.” Joonmyun says from a few very tall bookshelves over. “Don’t you have all of his CDs?” He’s hidden but voices tend to carry in the bookstore. “Besides, Artificial Love is like… Not only one of his best songs but one of the best songs ever. Not to exaggerate.” 

“I own all but the most recent,” Baekhyun’s mom usually sent him a copy. Originally, Baekhyun had given them to him (signed) but somewhere between Growl and Exodus the return address had changed to be his mom’s instead of his own. Jongdae couldn’t even remember when that changed, which hurt more than Baekhyun delegating the mailing of gifts to his mom. He thinks. Everything hurts his heart lately. 

“Wow, really?” Chanyeol says, bent over his phone. “Didn’t take you for an Aeri.” 

“I don’t owe you any explanations.” Jongdae’s already moved on in his head, recapping this morning when he’d cried over his cereal for a reason that, thankfully, wasn’t Baekhyun. “Did you know swans can be gay?” 

“Why? You wanna swan it up with Byun Baekhyun?” Chanyeol smirks. 

Jongdae smiles at him. “I hate you. You’re fired.” 

“You say it like you wouldn’t ‘swan it up’ with him, Chanyeol.” Joonmyun walks over and leans a step ladder on the counter beside where Jongdae is organizing candy. Wordlessly, Jongdae hands him an unwrapped piece of chocolate and Joonmyun shoves it into his mouth in one piece. Animal. Jongdae would be more verbal about his disgust, but he’s seen Joonmyun eat his kids’ half-slobbered on left overs. 

“I would more than swan it up with him.” Chanyeol says. Somehow he’s gotten ahold of yet another Two Cup Chump flier. “I would gladly die between those thighs-” Jongdae coughs loudly. “Can you imagine how good he would look-” 

“La la la, I can’t hear you. Why are you like this?” Jongdae might be panicking. It’s been a long week, he doesn’t need to hear exactly how Chanyeol would have Baekhyun suck him off. 

(A voice in the back of his head chants been there, done that at the thought of Baekhyun on his knees and Jongdae wonders if you can sleep off a depressive funk if it’s been brought on by heartbreak.) 

“Maybe you just need to get laid.” He flicks a piece of paper at Jongdae, and Jongdae makes a mental note to sweep before he heads home, or to at least make Chanyeol sweep before he heads home. 

“I would argue against him but I also haven’t ever seen you go out on a date, like, ever.” Joonmyun says. 

“That’s like, the weirdest thing you could ever bring up.” Jongdae says. “Why does that matter to either of you? Do I need to hire an HR rep?” 

“Why are you acting like you haven’t taken me out to coffee specifically to talk about my sex life? You and Chanyeol wanted a recap of my entire honeymoon.” Joonmyun reminds him. “You told me I had to use at least three adjectives in every sentence.” 

“That’s different. Also, Chanyeol said you had to use three. I only said you had to use more.” 

“Remember that guy from my gym I mentioned? I think he’s still interested.” Chanyeol wiggles his phone in his hand. Bangarang by Skrillex plays softly in the background. “I’ll ask if he’s available this Friday.” 

“Chanyeol-” 

“No, ask for Saturday, Friday is date night for me so I can’t come in then. I can come in to close on Saturday, though.” Joonmyun talks over him. “Don’t you have plans for Friday? If we’re both out, Jongdae will have to be here.” 

“I mean, yeah, but I don’t mind skipping for this. Unless you’re sure you wanna come in the extra day?” 

“Are you guys really planning my date around your schedules?” Jongdae asks. They ignore him. 

“Yeah, fuck it. Taotao’s taking the kids up to see her mom in Seoul this weekend so I was just gonna play video games all night. Weren’t you going to go see that girl again?” 

“Aw, dude. That’s so nice. I mean, you can’t remember her name, but you remembered my date.” Chanyeol holds his hand over his heart and smiles at Joonmyun before he turns to Jongdae. “You in?” 

“Do I even have a choice?” Jongdae mutters. 

Joonmyun walks around the counter and rubs Jongdae’s shoulders. “We’re only doing this to you because we love you. Also because Chanyeol and I are the only people you regularly talk to-” 

“I talk to Jongin!” 

“That you aren’t related to, then.” Jongdae frowns, pushing his bottom lip out in an over exaggerated pout. “You only ever send links to memes in the group chat.” Anyone who wasn’t Joonmyun might’ve gone with _we can tell you’ve been having a hard time lately and deserve to do something fun, let me do something for you”_ instead of criticizing his texting habits. 

“Because I think you guys will laugh.” Jongdae whines. “Leave me alone.” 

“ _Leave me alone_ , wah wah wah.” Joonmyun imitates him like he isn’t a grown man who pays taxes and owns a house. “I’m Jongdae and I reply to everything with ‘me’ or ‘mood’.” 

“You spend too much time with your children.” 

“So I just asked, he’s bi and free Saturday.” Chanyeol announces, and unplugs his phone, cutting the music off right before the drop. 

“You didn’t even know if he liked guys?” Jongdae pushes Joonmyun away, and Joonmyun laughs at him. 

“I mean, I could guess that he was a little bit gay. Bisexual, if you will.” 

“I don’t think that’s how it works.” Jongdae says, peering over the counter at Chanyeol’s phone. Chanyeol shrugs at him before he pulls up the guy’s FaceBook. “Oh shit, he’s hot.” 

“Knew you’d like him.” Chanyeol hands him the phone and Jongdae scrolls through his profile picture photo album. “He’s a total film buff, and he likes cooking and wine. Also music, but I don’t know what genre he likes.” 

Joonmyun settles next to Jongdae, so he lets him see the phone screen as he looks through the pictures. Joonmyun lets out a low whistle. “Wow. Those lips.” 

Jongdae hands Joonmyun the phone and puts his head down on the counter, whining softly. “I haven’t been on a date in like six years.” Spaghetti over skype. Such is a long distance relationship, destined to never work out. He wonders again when they’d fallen out, and why they’d let it end so quietly. He almost shakes his head, he really has to start moving on. He-who-shall-not-be-named hasn’t thought about him in years, why should he get to consume all of Jongdae’s thoughts? 

“You’ve been on a date?” Joonmyun says absently without bite, still focused on the guy’s profile. 

“It’s like riding a bike.” Chanyeol’s hand pats the back of Jongdae’s head, meaning to be comforting, but all it does is squish his face into the wood of the counter. He rolls his head to the side so he can look up at Chanyeol, trying to glare. “But yeah, you had a boyfriend in high school, didn’t you?” 

Wow, he really can’t pull the brakes on this train of sadness. “More late middle school to freshman year, but yeah. We didn’t actually go out much when we were old enough to afford real dates, and he moved away during sophomore year.” Most of the time they hung out at the bookstore or in Baekhyun’s bedroom. 

“It’ll be okay.” This time, Joonmyun comforts him. “If it isn’t, you can blame us and you can go make sad art with Taotao. She’s doing this huge piece on human emotions right now.” Jongdae rolls his head to pout at him, and Joonmyun sets down the phone so he can pull Jongdae upright. 

“Not to be lame, but I thought I was only ever gonna date B-” Nope! “Him. My first boyfriend, I mean. I really thought we were in love and that it would overcome anything.” Jongdae doesn’t want to start crying and _really_ doesn’t want to try to tell them he’d dated the Nation’s Boyfriend. “I don’t know. He said he’d come back for me and I just waited for him. Then we stopped talking. I guess it finally hit that he’s got his own life now, and it doesn’t involve me.” 

Joonmyun sighs and pulls Jongdae in for a hug. Jongdae lets him. He can’t help but think it’s dumb, wanting to cry over something that happened ages ago again (for those keeping score, he’d also cried in the shower, and while listening to some of Baekhyun’s saddest ballads) but he sniffles into Joonmyun’s neck before pulling away. “It’s okay. You’re exhausted and not eating well, and even besides that you haven’t had the best year.” Jongdae makes what he hopes is a small noise of agreement. “When life sucks, all you can think about is everything bad that’s ever happened to you, as if there hasn’t been any good sprinkled in. It’s okay not to be over him even if it was ages ago, first loves are never easy, especially when that’s all you have to go off of.” 

“Wow,” Chanyeol says. “You almost sound wizened and reasonable. Did you practice?” 

Smoothly, Joonmyun reaches over the counter to shove Chanyeol. “Shut up, this is practice. I have two daughters.” 

“God, always with mentioning your picture perfect family at every opportunity.” Chanyeol shoves Joonmyun back. 

Everything sucks, but Jongdae’s life had been getting progressively shittier since he’d taken over the store. Maybe this was the final push Jongdae needed for him to start getting his shit together, to pull himself up by the bootstraps and all that. “So what’s the plan for my date?” 

☆

Baekhyun very rarely uses FaceBook anymore, perpetually scared that the second he opens it on his phone sasaengs will suddenly have access to the hundreds of baby photos his mom’s posted over the years or all of his predebut selfies taken while he was learning how to use eyeliner. He’s amazed no one’s tricked his mom into sharing it all yet. 

(It’s just a matter of time.) 

It’s so weird to think about Jongdae now. Baekhyun used to know everything about him but now he isn’t even entirely sure on what he looks like. Everything about him, aside from random facts like how Jongdae dog-earred all the pages in the books he read no matter how much his dad would yell at him, or that his mouth curled up like a cat’s when he smiled. Dozens of memories of the bookstore. Climbing trees and into windows. Then of course there were the dozens of gasps, moans, hesitant touches, or the way Jongdae felt beneath his hands that were stored away for lonely nights, but those no longer had a face. Amazing that’d he’d managed to remember everything but the most important part. 

So he curls up on his couch wearing only boxers and the biggest hoodie he owns, and pulls his laptop up to his chest. His apartment is dark and the light from his computer burns his eyes, but he’ll adjust soon enough so he puts up with it instead of bothering to turn down the brightness. Logging onto FaceBook greets him with an ugly amount of notifications. 

It takes thirty minutes for him to read all the messages (mostly from family members asking for things, which he deletes), go through the dozens of game invitations (mostly from Jongin, Jongdae’s younger brother, which he accepts), and look at all the random shit he’s been tagged in over the months that he hasn’t logged on (mostly memes or pictures of himself, which he ignores). He is tagged in a very cute post, some tag-20-people-you-love shit, by a girl he knew in high school, so he starts down the rabbit hole and clicks on her page. She’d had cute little twins two years ago, was married three years ago. He received an invitation, but had been gearing up for another comeback, so he’d sent her some flowers and some pillows or towels or something. He can’t even remember her husband’s name, so he finds her Wedding Day! 130804 :) photo album and starts clicking his way through dozens of artsy shots of her getting her hair done, or her husband straightening his tie. The ceremony looked beautiful, an outdoor wedding by the river. It’d probably been super hot, but at least Taotao was smiling in every picture. In the middle of the album she’d started to cry, and she captioned all of those pictures with the eye-rolling emoji and hearts. Baekhyun actually recognizes her husband, an upper classman named Joonmyun he’d never spoken to, so he looks through the groomsmen to see if any other classmates- 

“Shit.” He says aloud. “Fuck.” 

Jongdae looked fucking _good_ in a suit, and completely different than however Baekhyun thought he remembered him. He’s tagged in the photo so Baekhyun clicks his name, finally remembering why he had even opened his computer, and taps his fingers on his laptop impatiently. When the profile loads he goes immediately to his photos. Dozens of pictures, all of Jongdae smiling, or posing with random art or statues or buildings, pictures of him at the bookstore or the beach- Baekhyun has to stop at these pictures, admittedly first to oogle him, shirtless in swim shorts, but very quickly because he’s noticed a constant in Jongdae’s pictures. 

Some guy who hadn’t gone to highschool with them is in most of the recent pictures. He has his arm around Jongdae in some of them, holding his hand in others. In the beach pictures, they sit side by side, and Jongdae has what Baekhyun guesses is a fading hickey on his collar bone, right below where a shirt would end. 

It hurts more than what is reasonable, considering they haven’t spoken in years. Last time they’d spoken in something more than a two sentence email or dumb game invite had been just after debut, and Baekhyun had told Jongdae they would have to stop talking for a bit because his schedule was going to be even busier, and he would barely have time for sleep, let alone have time to text or video chat. Jongdae had agreed and they’d both promised that they would skype after Baekhyun stopped promoting his debut album, but that hadn’t happened. His schedule had stayed full, and Jongdae never messaged him either, and it had been all too easy to forget. Stupid stuff, that Baekhyun didn’t even remember, when he used to think that Jongdae was the single most important person in his life, that it was them against the world. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he can hear himself promising Jongdae that he would give him everything once he was famous. Normal dumb teenager promises that definitely shouldn’t hurt so bad to think about, but he’s been pretty much stuck in the same place emotionally for the past couple years, considering until recently most of his fanbase consisted of teenage girls and everything he did catered to them, including stuff like signing a contract with a dating ban that Baekhyun didn’t try too hard to get around. 

Jongdae’s boyfriend has his privacy settings all the way up so Baekhyun can only read his name and see his profile picture. Do Kyungsoo is attractive, with dark hair and big eyes, and his picture is him making a stupid peace sign in a stupid black and white striped sweater, the background some stupid wooden wall. 

Baekhyun is unsure of why the picture upsets him. 

He opens the FaceBook messenger before he can stop himself. 

_Hey Jongin!_ He types. _What have you been up to?_

He shoves his laptop off his lap, onto the sofa, and he walks to his kitchen, opens his fridge, and grabs a beer. He opens it, drinks it all in front of the open fridge, and grabs another. Just like old times. By the time he’s sat back down on the couch, Jongin’s replied and he’s halfway through the second beer. 

**_Kim Jongin_ **   
_baekhyun!!!! i missed u omg_

**_Kim Jongin_ **   
_ive just been going to school omg how are u??? i havent heard from u in ages_

**_Byun Baekhyun_ **   
_hahahaha_

**_Byun Baekhyun_ **   
_I’m great~ I missed you too_

**_Byun Baekhyun_ **   
_You’re in school? What for? Are you finally gonna be a vet?_

**_Kim Jongin_ **   
_no, turns out u have to go to school for like 8 years and im too lazy for that xP_

**_Kim Jongin_ **   
_im majoring in creative writing, im going to be an author_

**_Byun Baekhyun_ **   
_Wahh, I’m so proud~_

**_Kim Jongin_ **   
_:)_

**_Kim Jongin_ **   
_when are u going to come visit -__- u havent been back in years_

**_Byun Baekhyun_ **   
_Actually, that’s why I messaged you_

**_Byun Baekhyun_**  
_I’m coming back for a full week this spring_


	2. Chapter 2

  


  
The longest day of Jongdae’s life starts at 6 in the morning. His alarm goes off and he struggles to turn it off, slapping mercilessly at his phone until he realize that _oh, he needs to swipe_. His shower is cold because the hot water heater in his apartments are broken and in the five minutes he spends freezing his ass off to get clean he misses three calls from Kyungsoo asking where he is and if he wants breakfast and nevermind because he’d already gotten through the Starbucks drive through and Jongdae was too late.  
  
Kyungsoo picks him up in front of his apartment complex at 7, and greets him with a caffè americano and a frown. “You look exhausted. When did you get to sleep last night?”  
  
Jongdae hops into Kyungsoo’s car, which is too tall for either of them, and takes a long drink from his coffee, pretending like he could taste it and not like he’d just burnt the absolute hell out of his tongue. “Three? Four? I couldn’t sleep.” Kyungsoo shrugs in what Jongdae chooses to assume is sympathy.  
  
“Sleep over at mine tonight, you can even sleep in tomorrow morning.” Kyungsoo pats Jongdae’s thigh, and leans over the center console to kiss him.  
  
“Mmm, two meals and sex?” Jongdae murmurs.  
  
“Only if you make it through today.” It takes them a minute to separate, kissing until they realize they’re actually blocking the exit.  
  
It’s a nice long, quiet drive to Mrs. Jung’s, the only noises being the GPS telling Kyungsoo to turn and Jongdae timidly sipping his coffee.  
  
“Why on Earth would you agree to be at someone’s house this early in the morning?” Kyungsoo says as he pulls up in front of her house. It’s small and very old lady-esque. There’s flowers lining the yard and lace curtains in the windows.  
  
“Her grandson is picking her up at like 10 and I don’t want to be here when he’s here.” They hadn’t gotten along as kids and there was no reason to try to remedy that now. “Besides, Chanyeol’s opening for me right now so I have to go save him after this.”  
  
Kyungsoo sighs, and rubs his eyes. “In the words of the red man himself, here we go.” Jongdae tries to smile but he’s too tired, so he isn’t sure if his cheeks get all the way there.  
  
Mrs. Jung must’ve seen them pull up, because she’s kind enough to meet them outside.  
  
“Hello, boys. All the boxes are just in the living room, that’s as far as Changgu would carry them.”  
  
“That’s fine, we can manage.” Jongdae hugs her.  
  
“Who’s your friend?” Mrs. Jung smiles and shakes Kyungsoo’s hand, turning to lead them inside. “I made you two cookies as payment.”  
  
Kyungsoo smiles. “I’m Jongdae’s boyfriend, Kyungsoo. He’s told me all about you.” Both Jongdae and Mrs. Jung freeze, and Kyungsoo walks past them into the living room. Jongdae stares at Kyungsoo, who is _still talking_. “This is a really impressive collection, even if it’s all boxed up.” He whistles.  
  
Mrs. Jung smiles at Jongdae. “You didn’t tell me you- How nice, Jongdae’s never introduced me to one of his _boyfriends_.” Her voice is so, so hesitant, and Kyungsoo is clueless as he continues.  
  
“That must mean I’m special.” Kyungsoo laughs. “I’ll get started.”  
  
Kyungsoo grabs a box and heads outside, leaving Jongdae alone with Mrs. Jung in the hallway.  
  
“How nice,” she repeats. “You know, there is nothing wrong with being gay.” Her eyes are wide.  
  
“Um, yeah. Yeah.” Jongdae heads towards the pile of boxes and picks one up. It’s much heavier than what Kyungsoo had made it seem.  
  
“No, Jongdae, it’s okay. It’s perfectly natural.” Mrs. Jung says. “My brother’s stepson is a gay too, and he’s just fabulous.”  
  
Jongdae can like, _feel_ his very soul withering away inside of him, right there between his chest and his stomach. His organs wave goodbye to it as it shrinks.  
  
“I’ll go grab those cookies, then.” Mrs. Jung all but scurries away from him, leaving him alone to die in her foyer.  
  
  
He catches Kyungsoo by the car. “Dude, I wasn’t out to her.”  
  
Kyungsoo shrugs and takes the box from him. “You didn’t tell me. Besides, it’s 2016, who really cares anymore?”  
  
“Um, me? Half the world?” Jongdae says and Kyungsoo just rolls his eyes and shoves the box into the back of his car.  
  
“Calm down, she really doesn’t care.”  
  
“But I do, I wasn’t ready for her to know.” He says, and it’s cold outside but his face is burning with frustration.  
  
“Look, I didn’t know you weren’t out to her. Let’s just talk about it later, Jongdae, Jesus.” Kyungsoo heads back towards the house.  
  
Jongdae waits by the car for another minute, trying to will away his tears, before he follows Kyungsoo.  
  
It takes 15 minutes for them to load the car while Mrs. Jung waits quietly in the kitchen. She had avoided Jongin for a week after he let it slip he was bisexual before cornering him in the gardening section of Chapter One to tell him why it was perfectly okay for him to spend his teens figuring his life out, and that she would still support him no matter if he worked out he was gay or not. Jongin hadn’t cared that she thought he was going through a phase, but it had scared Jongdae away from telling her about his own preferences.  
  
Mrs. Jung hands Jongdae a plate of cookies on their last trip to the car. “I’m sure I’ll be back to visit the store within the next few months, I’ll be sure to bring my niece by in case things don’t work out between you and that one.” She says, quietly so Kyungsoo won’t hear her. “I-”  
  
“Yeah, sure, I’ll see you then. Thank you for the books and cookies don’t forget to call me I hope you have a safe trip goodbye!” Jongdae says in one breath and kind of half-jogs to the car, balancing the plate of cookies on top of the box.  
  
He shoves the box into the back seat and looks back at Mrs. Jung, who is smiling but her concern is evident between her eyebrows. Jongdae knows she won’t call, and he climbs into the passenger seat before looking back again at Mrs. Jung’s house. She walks inside and doesn’t wave to them as they leave, and Jongdae can’t find it in him to eat any of the cookies she’d made for him. Kyungsoo eats one quietly. They don’t talk on the way back.  
  
  


☆

 

“Oh, fuck, yeah,” Jongdae pants. “Right there, oh my god.”

“Yeah?” Kyungsoo grunts. “You sure?” His forehead glistens with sweat.

“Yes, I don’t have it in me to care anymore where they go, that was the last one.” Jongdae stands up and wipes his forehead. After Mrs. Jung’s, they had planned to stop by the store but Joonmyun texted Jongdae telling him he didn’t need to come by. Jongdae hadn’t felt the need to ask why. He was already having a shitty day, he didn’t want to hear about whatever horrible thing they’d done to his store and were trying to fix.

“We need to take a break, I think.” Jongdae nods. “We can leave it all here for today and you can just price them when we take it to the store.” Kyungsoo’s frowning while he speaks. “All this won’t be here too long, right? It’s so messy.”

“I just…” Jongdae says, but the thought dies on his tongue with one look from Kyungsoo. “Um, let’s order pizza or something.” So they’re still fighting? Jongdae never knows when Kyungsoo is upset with him.

Kyungsoo frowns again- that seems to be his only face, lately. “I told you, I don’t mind cooking for you.”

“If you cook, I have to do dishes. I’m too tired for that right now.” Jongdae collapses on the couch next to all the boxes. He wishes they’d moved some closer to the couch so he could use one as a foot rest.

“I know, but pizza doesn’t fit my macros.” Kyungsoo stands in front of him. Jongdae wishes he would sit with him, pull Jongdae into his lap and cuddle him. Kyungsoo doesn’t usually act unless Jongdae is completely upfront about what he wants. “I’ll cook and after we eat, you’ll be rested enough.”

“Babe,” Jongdae begs, looking up at Kyungsoo. “I’m too tired.” Jongdae wishes Kyungsoo would offer to do the dishes for him. He’s doing a lot of wishing lately.

Instead of sitting with him Kyungsoo smiles and puts his hands on either side of Jongdae’s face. He smiles. “Suck it up, babe.” And then he’s gone and walking towards the kitchen.

Jongdae watches after him, wondering how he should react. So are they still fighting about Kyungsoo outing him or not? He’s too tired to yell, and he can’t just yell at Kyungsoo for not being considerate. He doesn’t particularly want to get up and talk Kyungsoo out of cooking dinner, let alone discuss his feelings. He doesn’t even really have the energy to eat. He’s bone tired. He wants to go to sleep. He wants to sleep, in his bed, alone, and he wants to cry, and when he wakes up he wants to eat pizza, and then he wants to sleep again because this kind of tired isn’t going to go away with one night’s rest. He can hear Kyungsoo chopping vegetables in the kitchen, getting out pans, washing the rice. He feels numb in a familiar way.

Quickly, he texts Jongin. _**Call me rn and feign a book emergency.**_

Jongin calls him two minutes later. “Hey, Jongin.” Jongdae says while he stands up and walks towards the kitchen. “What’s up?” He stands behind Kyungsoo and rubs the center of his back in apology for something Kyungsoo doesn’t even know is happening.

“ _Jongdae, dude, get down here. Like, now._ ” Kyungsoo can hear him because he turns to look at Jongdae quizzically.

“What’s wrong?” Jongdae pulls away from him.

“ _I just- This lady- Just please, it’ll be easier to explain in person._ ” Kyungsoo pouts.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll be there soon.” Jongdae says.

“ _Hurry!_ ” Jongin says before he hangs up.

“I hope it’s nothing too serious.” Kyungsoo turns back to the vegetables. “Will you be back for dinner?”

“Um, I don’t know. I’ll keep you posted, though.” Jongdae’s already toeing on his shoes. He waits by the door for Kyungsoo to see him off.

“Okay, I have to go to bed early though, so if it keeps you out until 9, just go to yours.” So no meals and no sex.

“Alright.” Jongdae waits for a second, but Kyungsoo doesn’t turn around again. “I’m leaving!” Another second.

“Bye!” Kyungsoo calls out over his shoulder and Jongdae just barely makes it outside before he starts crying. He’s not exactly sure why he’s crying.

He texts Jongin a heavy **_thank you_** and starts walking home.

 

☆

 

It takes a Baekhyun exactly four conversations to solidify his vacation plans, his manager forcing his to promise to not take any pictures and not sign anything while he’s there. He does get a whole week, which takes a small bribe of two new pairs of shoes and a new jacket, but it’s worth it.

He doesn’t have a plan, but it’s worth it.

 

☆

  
Things with Kyungsoo don’t get better. They start going to bed angry (Jongdae does, at least). His passivity gets boiled over by this sticking resentment and he just starts getting so _mad_ he can’t help but be snippy and mean and cruel. Fights are longer and never really end, non-issues that turn into longer-lasting, deep-seeded arguments. Jongdae wonders how you can feel so much hate for the person you’re supposed to love.  
  
“You can’t just top every single time!”  
  
“Oh, is that really what we’re fighting about now?” Kyungsoo practically throws his bowl into the sink. “I’m sure we have some _real_ problems we could be discussing, but sure, let's go for the sex talk.”  
  
All Jongdae can see is red. “You know what, yes, we are going to fight about this, because it’s insane for you to expect me to bottom literally every single night-”  
  
“I don’t like bottoming, we’ve talked about that-”  
  
“Yeah, and it’s okay that you don’t, just not when you want to have sex almost every single day!”  
  
“Please, you act like you don’t beg for it-”  
  
“I sure as hell don’t beg for it every single day.” Jongdae storms out of the kitchen and into the living room. “Your libido is too high for you to call top every time. Has it been so long since you last bottomed that you’ve forgotten it _hurts_?”  
  
“Oh, no, we are _not_ fucking done, Jongdae, come back here right now.” Kyungsoo grabs him by the wrist and Jongdae stops completely.  
  
“Soo, let go of me.” Immediately, Kyungsoo drops his arm and apologizes. “I think I should go.”  
  
“Babe-”  
  
“Don’t fucking _babe_ me, you asshole.”  
  
“So now I’m an asshole.”  
  
“Yes, you are, I’m leaving.” Jongdae grabs his jacket, but his phone is still plugged in in Kyungsoo’s bedroom, so he walks as quickly as he can to get it. Kyungsoo follows him, still arguing.  
  
“No, let’s talk more. Why is it not okay for me to want to top, but it’s okay for us to always explore your kinks?”  
  
“Sure, the guy who jerks off to tentacle porn can shit talk my oral fixation. We can’t physically explore your kinks, Kyungsoo.” Jongdae can’t unplug his phone and Kyungsoo reaches over him and pulls it from the outlet for him.  
  
“It’s your charger, just take the whole damn thing if you’re leaving. Your kinks hurt me as much as me topping hurts you.”  
  
“Um, one, no. They don’t. Me biting you every once in awhile is nothing compared to you shoving the equivalent of a beer can up my ass every day.”  
  
Kyungsoo stops and makes a face. “Jesus Christ, Jongdae, a beer can?”  
  
“Sorry,” he squeaks. He’d even surprised himself with that. “It was the first descriptor to come to mind.” Kyungsoo doesn’t let Jongdae speak long enough to get to point two.  
  
“You know what, no.” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I can’t deal with this right now. We need to have a conversation about our relationship that isn’t just about our sexual incompatibilities, and if we aren’t capable of that, I think we need to break up.”  
  
Not take a break. Break up. Tears start to well in his eyes, but amazingly, it isn’t because Jongdae is sad. He’s tired, and he’s overwhelmed, and he just wants to lay on the couch and watch shitty reality television with B- Nope! Jongdae had definitely been about to think Boyfriend, with a capital B, and he doesn’t know why he’s still trying to defend himself internally when he thinks of someone who isn’t Kyungsoo. Who fucking cares if he’s dreaming about being in a happy relationship with someone who cares about him.  
  
It doesn’t matter anymore, not really.  
  
He swallows. “I’ll come by tomorrow, then. To grab my things.”  
  
Kyungsoo nods. “I can-” He cuts himself off with a sigh. “I’ll still help you take those boxes to Chapter One tomorrow.” He looks sad but not, like,… _sad_. “We can still be friends, Jongdae. We got along, most of the time.”  
  
Jongdae’s already pilling kindling in his head to burn this bridge, but he will definitely need Kyungsoo’s help, so he pushes it aside for his rational thoughts to come forward. “I’m going to go, then.” He turns, and for what feels like the millionth time, he thinks that maybe Kyungsoo is going to grab his hand and pull him back.  
  
He doesn’t.  
  
Jongdae leaves, and doesn’t cry until he’s in his bed, cuddling his pillow and sobbing to the soundtrack of Titanic.  
  
  


☆

  
Baekhyun’s first stop in his hometown is a hotel. His manager has booked him a suite in a place on the edge of town, with a good view of it all. He spends about five minutes in his room, throwing his suitcases and a few fan gifts he’d gotten as he’d left Seoul on the bed before he heads out, not wanting to sit down and possibly lose his determination. He doesn’t even know what he really intends to do, only that he’s got to see Jongdae in person. He steps outside his hotel and calls an Uber.  
  
It’s really fucking exciting to be out like this.  
  
Normally, he travels with his manager and at least one body guard (since the Skirt Incident of 2014). His hometown isn’t a huge place, so he’d gotten the okay to travel alone as long as he wears a hat and sunglasses everywhere, and doesn’t take any pictures with fans.  
  
He’s only outside for a few minutes before his ride shows up, and he slides into the back seat, trying to leave as quickly as possible. He can’t stop moving, tapping his feet on the floor and his fingers against his thighs.  
  
“I’m guessing you’re Minho?” The driver laughs.  
  
Minho’s his manager’s name. He isn’t allowed to have his own profile.  
  
“Yup!” Baekhyun says. He wants to _go_.  
  
“So what are you doing in this tiny town?” The driver asks as they finally pull away from the curb.  
  
Baekhyun already knows Chapter One is twenty minutes away. He sighs.  
  
Five questions, two of Baekhyun’s own songs, and one long silence later, Baekhyun is dropped off in front of the bookstore that he practically grew up in.  
  
It’s time. He’s gonna do it. He reaches for the door handle, stopping first to take off his hat and sunglasses, trying to fix his hair in the reflection of the store’s front window. He wants to be recognizable from the get go. And hot.  
  
He opens the door, a familiar bell ringing out. It smells exactly the same as he remembers, like old books and chamomile tea. No one is at the counter, so Baekhyun heads to the middle of the store. It’s one in the afternoon on a Monday, so the store is empty of customers. A guy is standing on a ladder, hanging up a banner advertising a Story Time for children every Tuesday and Thursday at 4 pm. Baekhyun lets his eyes rake over the his figure. He’s tall, taller than Baekhyun, and lean. His hair is bleached a messy blond and it’s not totally even throughout, like he did it himself. He turns and smiles wide and Baekhyun feels kind of gross for not recognizing him before.  
  
“Jongin!” He says, pretending like he hadn’t been checking out someone who had been like a brother to him. “Oh my god, you’re so tall.”  
  
Jongin jumps off the ladder and rushes over to Baekhyun, hugging him tight. “Baekhyun! I missed you! I can’t believe you’re really here!” He pulls back to look at Baekhyun’s face, and Baekhyun is suddenly very self conscious, wearing no makeup with his hair down. “You look so good!” Is all Jongin says, before he pulls him back in for another hug.  
  
“You too, Jongin. I love the blond.” He says as they finally pull away from each other. Jongin smells really good, like sandalwood and citrus. Jongin looks sheepish at the compliment.  
  
“Thank you. I like it on you, too.” Jongin is smiling so hard Baekhyun thinks his face might get stuck, but Baekhyun can’t stop himself from smiling either. He should’ve come home so much earlier. His heart aches.  
  
“Woah, what?” Baekhyun hears behind him, and turns to see a very tall stranger.  
  
Jongin shoots Baekhyun a worried look. “Sorry, he works here, I don’t know if you only expected Jongdae and I-”  
  
“No, it’s fine, no worries.” Baekhyun waves him off. “I’m Baekhyun.” He holds his hand out.  
  
The stranger looks him up and down, eyes and mouth open wide. “Oh my god, I’m Chanyeol.” He stares at Baekhyun’s hand while he shakes it.  
  
“Chanyeol, calm down or go away.” Jongin says.  
  
“It happens.” Baekhyun shrugs.  
  
“Can I-” Chanyeol starts, but he shakes his head. “Nevermind,” He drops to a stage whisper aimed at Jongin. “Why is Byun Baekhyun, light of my life, my one true love, no homo, in your bookstore?”  
  
“We’re friends.” Baekhyun says.  
  
“He’s like my brother.” Jongin says, firmly, and Baekhyun’s heart swells. He forgot how much he loves Jongin. “He was my brother, for a few years.” He laughs and Baekhyun’s blood runs cold, and he starts making promises to God about how much better he’ll be if Jongin stops talking right now, he’ll use his recycling bin and become a vegetarian-”I can’t believe Jongdae never told you he dated Baekhyun.” Baekhyun can already taste his mid-rare steak dinner.  
  
Chanyeol’s eyebrows raise an impressive amount. He’s got real skill. “What the fuck? Like, seriously? You dated Jongdae?” He looks between Jongin and Baekhyun. “Is that a joke?”  
  
“That’s so rude-” Jongin starts, but Chanyeol cuts him off.  
  
“Not like that, but Jongdae said he’s only ever dated one person and-” Chanyeol’s face is eerily calm for a second before it twists into a confused look. “You went to highschool with him and Joonmyun?”  
  
“I never met Joonmyun, he was older than me. I was friends with Taotao.” Baekhyun explains as he looks around the store. He wants to walk around and check out the new layout of the store, but he’s trapped by the conversation.  
  
“She never mentioned you either.” Ouch. That kind of hurts, Baekhyun wasn’t expecting that. “And they all just let me rattle on about how I-” Chanyeol cuts himself off this time, and Baekhyun looks at him. “Um, I’ve got to go. Like right now. Tell Jongdae I quit.” Chanyeol’s blushing when he turns to walk through the door he’d entered from.  
  
Jongin grabs the back of his shirt. “Come on, calm down. It’s not a big deal, I’m sure he’s seen worse things on the internet than anything you could say.” So that’s what Chanyeol had meant. “But hey, really, don’t tell anyone Baekhyun is here.”  
  
“Can I tell Joonmyun?” It’s kind of cute, Chanyeol is actively avoiding looking at Baekhyun now. Baekhyun smiles his way. He loves fans.  
  
“Yeah, but Baekhyun’s gonna surprise Jongdae, so be careful. Don’t tell anyone but Joonmyun, okay?” Jongin releases Chanyeol, and Chanyeol actually bows at Baekhyun. Baekhyun smiles in a way that would make his PR trainer proud, his cheeks hurt in the best way.  
  
“It was nice to meet you I loved your last album Heaven was an amazing song okay bye.” He says in one breath before he disappears through the door once again.  
  
“Ah, he was so cute.” Baekhyun smiles at Jongin. Jongin’s cheeks might pop, his face is one of utter joy.  
  
“I’m so happy to see you I can’t believe it.” Jongin replies. “Have you eaten? I’ll buy you lunch.”  
  
“So how did you meet Jongdae?” Baekhyun has to ask them. Jongin made the two guys- Joonmyun, who was shorter than Baekhyun remembered and so pretty he could’ve been an idol, and Chanyeol, the tall fan- close the store way early, even if Baekhyun had told him he didn’t mind just hanging out in the back or something. Jongin had insisted, running off to go get them all food, leaving Baekhyun behind with two strangers.  
  
“Um, I needed a part time job.” Chanyeol’s cute, even if he’s tall and broad. Baekhyun smiles at him just to see him flush. “Jongdae hired me because I don’t need a ladder to reach the top shelves, and it was just him and Joonmyun here usually.” He’s rambly, it’s cute.  
  
Confused, Baekhyun asks, “Jongin doesn’t work here?”  
  
“Not during the school year, he works at a cafe one street over.” Joonmyun explains. “He hired me to replace him a while back. I actually met Jongdae during my senior year of high school, but we got really close after he graduated. He was the best man at my wedding.”  
  
“Oh,” the photo album that brought him here, kind of. “I knew Taotao in high school. You guys are married, right?”  
  
“Yes!” Joonmyun smiles and wow, he really could be famous. He’s easily one of the most attractive people Baekhyun’s ever seen, including himself. “We-”  
  
“He never shuts up about it, please do your best to never bring her up.” Chanyeol says, but smiles at Joonmyun when he’s hit on the shoulder.  
  
“If you went to high school with Taotao, you went with Jongdae. How come I didn’t know that? I should have bragging rights, right?” Joonmyun wiggles his shoulders? Weird. “I feel like I could’ve made an won some bar bets, having gone to school with you, only having one degree of separation from you.”  
  
“Ah, I moved away sophomore year-”  
  
Chanyeol makes a weird noise at this. “Wait, you said that on FM Date. So Jongdae was your first love?” Joonmyun stares at him.  
  
“Dude, come on.” He says. Baekhyun wonders if he means Chanyeol recalling one thing he said once on a radio show months ago (which he’s used to), or if he means don’t ask about his love life (which he’s used to).  
  
“Sorry,” Chanyeol apologizes but they all know he doesn’t mean it. He drops to a whisper, hand over his mouth. “But like… Was he?”  
  
Baekhyun laughs nervously. He can’t deflect this question because Chanyeol isn’t an overeager interviewer and this is real life. Also, he’s kind of in town because he’s in love with Jongdae and needs closure. “Yeah. We dated for like four years.” Three years eight months, officially.  
  
Chanyeol’s eyes actually sparkle. “This is the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. I’m never going to skip Wolf again.”  
  
Baekhyun can’t help the noise he makes. “Leave me alone, that won me my first award.” But he’s smiling, even if he’s a little upset, because he’s having fun. “I’m proud of that song.”  
  
Kicking the door open, Jongin is back, juggling boxes of pizza and some beer. “Someone help me!” Joonmyun gets up and Chanyeol makes grabby hands at the beer.  
  
Jongin passes him a beer once Joonmyun has saved the pizza, and offers one to Baekhyun. He takes it. A single beer can’t hurt him.  
  
  


☆

 

Three hours, three 6-packs, both pizzas, and a second beer run that ended up with them buying hard liquor find Baekhyun red-faced and laughing, drunk at 4 in the afternoon.

He hasn’t been so happy in months.

They’re laughing and screaming and they’re all so loud, and Baekhyun feels like he’s known Joonmyun and Chanyeol his whole life. It feels like he never left, the way Jongin keeps smiling at him and laughing. Baekhyun’s cheeks hurt from smiling. He can’t wait to see Jongdae.

Then Jongdae comes in.

“Hey, I was walking by and noticed the store was closed- Are you all fucking drunk?” He sounds mad.

“Hi, Jongdae!” Joonmyun says. “We figured you wouldn’t mind if we closed early, we have a special guest.” He snickers.

Baekhyun feels frozen, his blood running cold. He turns to face Jongdae with a smile. “Hey-” Kyungsoo is standing right behind him, frowning. The sound of Baekhyun’s blood pulsing in his veins is replaced with nothing. He’d imagined more Kill Bill sirens than silence when he’d see Kyungsoo.

Jongdae turns on his heel and walks straight out the door he’d came, and Baekhyun’s chair falls over from how quickly he gets up. Kyungsoo looks at him, confused. “What-” Baekhyun pushes past him, towards the door Jongdae left through, but all the blood in his body rushes to his head and he stumbles into Kyungsoo. “Are you Baekhyun? Like, the singer?” Kyungsoo helps him to steady himself.

“Yes, Byun Baekhyun, prince of light and the nation’s boyfriend thank you for your support please move out of my way now.” He says because he’s going to puke, his stomach turning at seeing Jongdae again. He’s overwhelmed by how fuzzy his head is. Jongdae can’t just leave. He won’t- he isn’t _allowed_ to leave before they even talk.

“Be careful,” Kyungsoo says. “I loved you in-” Baekhyun pushes away from Kyungsoo and is out the door and he has no idea where Jongdae went. He runs to where there used to be a spot between the cult classics and romantic horror shelves, where they used to sit and read together, but he isn’t there and neither is their hiding spot.

“Jongdae?” Baekhyun tries. He gets no answer. “Please, we need to talk.” Oh wow, he is drunk, he realizes. It’s hard to keep himself upright and it’s been a long time since he’s had this much to drink. “Please, I missed you. Can’t I at least come visit?”

“No, you can’t.” Jongdae says, but voices carry in the empty bookstore, so Baekhyun can’t place where he is exactly. He heads towards what used to be the historical fiction section (now science fantasy; it hits him again how different everything is now).

“Why not?” Baekhyun asks. He knows why. Both of them know why.

Jongdae doesn’t answer him, so Baekhyun sticks to one of the main aisles and looks to his left and right as he passes each section. He finds Jongdae by the employee favorites! shelf.

Jongdae has his face in his hands, but he doesn’t seem to be crying.

“Can-” Jongdae takes a deep breath. He’s speaking very quietly. “Can you please leave?”

Baekhyun’s heart manages to break again.

“I can’t… I can’t do this right now,” Jongdae says, and wow, his voice is quivering. Baekhyun’s pulse is back in his ears, roaring at him. He sways on his feet. “I can’t do this today, Baekhyun.” He says Baekhyun’s name like it hurts him, but Baekhyun is the one that winces.

Baekhyun swallows. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry.” Jongdae says.

“Me too.” Baekhyun walks past him, back to the front of the store, back into the break room to find no one had left.

“You okay?” Joonmyun asks but Baekhyun grabs his coat, pulls a face mask and sunglasses from the pocket and puts everything on while he heads back out the door.

“Yes, I just remembered that I have to leave right now.” He fumbles with the face mask, his fingers won’t work and he can’t tug it over his ears. He makes a frustrated noise and closes his eyes as tight as he can so that he doesn’t cry, and then someone is helping him. He opens his eyes to find Kyungsoo in front of him.

“Get home safely.” He smiles. Baekhyun hates him.

He runs outside and keeps going for as long as he can, then he goes a little longer just to be extra sure the pain moves from his heart to his lungs and his legs. Then he calls a cab. When he gets to his hotel room, he drinks the minibar.

He passes out on the floor of the hotel room.

 

☆

  
Baekhyun doesn’t ever want to wake up. Everything _hurts_. It’s like gearing up to debut all over again, when every part of his body hurt almost too much to move from over practicing, when he had headaches from the diets, when he slept on the floors of the practice rooms so often he’d had to see a doctor about the crick in his neck. He pulls himself up and to the bathroom to puke out all of his organs, then he takes off his clothes and crawls into the shower.  
  
He vows for the second time in his life to stop drinking.  
  
On the bright side, he already feels better after being sick and washing up, and when he gets out, he wraps himself in the fluffy hotel robe. He finds his phone plugged in and charging. He thanks his drunk self, and the first thing he checks are his texts from Minho.  
  
_**Lee Minho**  
Why am I seeing fans in your area thinking they saw you running around?  
  
**Lee Minho**  
And I mean actually running, not just you being in the area.  
  
**Lee Minho**  
Call me when you get up. I can see the minibar charges.  
  
**Lee Minho**  
Baekhyun, call me. What did you do?  
  
**Lee Minho**  
If you don’t call me now I will come get you myself.  
  
**Lee Minho**  
Are you okay?  
  
**Lee Minho**  
I’ll be there shortly_  
  
Baekhyun calls him.  
  
“What the hell happened last night?” Minho almost yells, which is especially shitty because Minho knows Baekhyun gets bad headaches when he’s hungover. Dick.  
  
“Hi. I’m sorry.”  
  
“What did you _do_?” Minho asks, again.  
  
“I went to go see the love of my life who I haven’t actually spoken to in years, got too drunk, went for a night run, came back to my room, and got drunker. Then I passed out.”  
  
“No,” Minho says.  
  
“No?”  
  
“Check your fucking Twitter. I’ll give you a second. Don’t hang up.”  
  
Scared, Baekhyun pulls the phone away from his ear, hits speaker, then exits out of the phone app. “You didn’t delete it?” Minho has all of his passwords. He opens the Twitter.  
  
“I didn’t see the point. You’ve already made multiple headlines.”  
  
**Byun** _@baekhyunee_ * 12 hours ago_  
Fuck love. do you know this ruined my life?The BIGGEST mistake Ive ever made was becoming an idol.why do i continue like this when i (1/5)  
  
Baekhyun stares at the tweet. His twitter drafts contain the rest, which reveal even more about his mental state (although the hatred of idol life had only come from loneliness) which is especially not good at the moment. He deletes them before Minho can log onto his twitter and see everything.  
  
“From your silence, I’m guessing you regret that. You had better regret that, Baekhyun. Delete it, you’re banned from social media for the next six months _at least_ , and when you get back here I’m changing your passwords. You are so lucky you didn’t post anything else. I cannot _believe_ -” Baekhyun hangs up on him as a reflex.  
  
“Ahhhh.” He says. “Ahhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhh. Oh my god.” He feels sick. He feels like he’s going to be sick _again_. He deletes the tweet, and throws his phone before rushing after it. He makes himself check a few of the bigger newsites- Minho’s right, there he is. A disgusting little screencap of only a portion of the shit he’d meant to post, a huge mess that he would have to deal with and apologize for. He doesn’t want to look at his fan cafe, but he does, and it’s full of incredibly worried fans. He’s got three different hashtags trending about it on Twitter. Everyone is waiting for the other 4 parts, for him to come clean, to him to reveal exactly how much he hates his fame.  
  
He posts on the fan cafe, in one of the bigger threads about his tweet instead of on his Official Posts! Board in hopes that it takes Minho longer to find.  
  
**BAEKHYUNNIE☆**  
_I can’t express how how badly I feel about this. In a bad state of mind, I posted something I don’t mean and that I regret with my entire heart. I hope you all can forgive me. I hurt you, my Aeris, the ones who mean most to me, with my thoughtless actions. This isn’t something that I can take back easily but please know it is not my true feelings. If I lived a hundred lives, I would always come back to you._  
_I’m sorry to you all, who have constantly and consistently supported me. Please don’t give up on me now. I love you all, and I am sorry for hurting you.  
☆Baekhyun_  
  
  
Nothing has ever hurt quite like the comments from sad and upset fans that flood in after, people torn between vilifying him and hoping that he’s okay.  
  
Minho finds and deletes it within five minutes, but screenshots and translations are already on Twitter and everywhere else in the whole world so Baekhyun lays back on his bed and calls Jongdae.  
  
“Hey?” Jongdae sounds confused and wow, his voice is even nice over the phone.  
  
“Hey! I was wondering if you wanted to like, get some food and talk things out.”  
  
“Um.” Jongdae says. “Sure?”  
  
“Cool! Are you alright with just getting some pizza? If you don’t want me in your house we can chill in my hotel. Or figure something out. I just can’t be seen in public right now.” Baekhyun laughs into the phone. Shame it’s been long enough that crying on the phone to one another would be considered uncomfortable.  
  
“Yeah, I saw… Are you okay?”  
  
“Mine or yours?” Baekhyun says.  
  
  


☆

 

Jongdae picks up pizza and soda on his way to Baekhyun's and Baekhyun lets him in with a smile. Talking is easy, surprisingly so, even if both their chests ache in ways neither wants to bring up, because even if they're going to Work Things Out, they've changed. They go through each other's past few years in an all night game of catch up, and Jongdae thinks it isn't falling in love again so much as sinking in it. Baekhyun is a warm familiarity, even if they don't touch beyond brushing fingers around a bottle of Coke. Jongdae spends the night on Baekhyun's floor and Baekhyun leaves him again a week later, promising for the second time in Jongdae's life that everything will work out.

Jongdae is confident that this time, it will.

 

☆

 

_"So, Baekhyun, it's been a while."_

_"Yes, it has."_

_"This is your first comeback since your hiatus, how's it feeling to finally be back in action?"_

_"Indescribable. I can't believe how many fans there are just outside this building, let alone how many are showing up for music shows."_

_"Did you think we'd just up and forget Byun Baekhyun? I think you were gone too long, your head is cloudy."_

__Baekhyun laughs, and Jongdae turns the radio up. _"I think I'm finally seeing clearly- but, speaking of clouds, let's listen to one of my favorite songs off my new album, Cloud 9."_ Jongdae sings along.

 


End file.
